Shattered
by Pup-Ashbless
Summary: The road is a long one when you are the walker, power is inside you and you’re the only one who can truly control yourself. But we all need guides to expand ourselves. Allen is notably guided by two.// Allen centric with some Mana, and Cross.//Gen


**Shattered** by **Yofune-Nushi**

Summary: The road is a long one when you are the walker, power is inside you and you're the only one who can truly control yourself. But we all need guides to expand ourselves. Allen is notably guided by two.// Allen centric with some Mana, and Cross.

Disclaimer: Hoshino owns the series.

This story was actually inspired by a song called "Shattered by Trading Yesterday". If you want to listen to it you can go to Youtube and search it to hear (note, there are two versions of the song, one is mostly instrumental while the other has the full lyrics. I usually prefer the latter.) It's a really beautiful song, the lyrics and instruments are so lovely. When I heard it I thought it really did sum up Allen and his life and his bond to the akuma/humanity rather well (Note again, just because it's inspired from the song doesn't mean it's just like it).

I'm not sure how this became about Allen so much, really it was never suppose to be this long (just goes to show how complex the guy is, I guess). I just I hope I didn't make it too angst in some parts. But I was just typing away to pass the time so here we go.

* * *

_**~I'm here because of you**_

He doesn't exactly remember much of that day.

He doesn't exactly remember how the woman had held his tiny right hand in the fragile grip of her own nor how her body shook while her breathe hitched as they stood in front of the building.

He also doesn't exactly remember all too well how she had told him to stay put while she left him to sit alone in front of the building as the late night became morning.

The first snow of the year had fallen to the ground and he waited and waited and waited as his clothes begin to lose heat for staying still for so long from not knowing what else he should or could do.

A tall person had approached with casual steps towards the building he was seated at with a surprise halt at the sight of him and the rest was history as they say. Only when he asked how he got there did he receive the answer in the form of pointing to his left hand.

That was all the answer he needed to piece together his own finished puzzle piece.

That was all ever he knew.

_**House~**_

He had heard of home once.

It wasn't just a building. It was a place that you were accepted in and you, well you supposedly did stuff with people; other then work. He wasn't sure what exactly, but it was probably nice as he had seen and heard lots of people on the streets doing it. After all the kids that left the building seemed pretty happy to go, acting as though it would be entirely different experience then what they had before.

It was still a vague concept that he hadn't cared for, he told himself. He just did his best to survive. To not feel the wrath of the drunken neighbor's temper, or show the nun's his left hand as much as he could as they had requested. Home was a strange word.

That's why he preferred the word house when correcting others in his mind who tried to tell him or anyone else otherwise.

_**Similar~**_

He worked, and when he didn't he would be sent to the church.

"Child, God has cursed you in the form of your arm for reasons I can not tell other than you or your family must have done to cause this justice upon yourself. You must live in suffering in order…." He allowed the Priest to drone on, it wasn't anything new. And it wasn't something he needed or wanted to hear.

They thought it was something of fact. That they knew everything there was to know. That there couldn't possibly be anything of value they didn't already know and that they knew all things of real value. Adults were all the same and children always listened because that thought that was all they should do.

He wanted to say, God is good, then why do you constantly want to put the blame on him? Why can't you take responsibility for your own actions? How can you consider someone good and yet say nothing but horrible things about them even after all the good things they have done for you?

He looks at the stained glass of the son of God bleeding on the cross and thinks of the story of sacrificing yourself for love and for one brief moment wonders that if he ever did that for someone would he do it knowing of the possibility that the love could hurt him or reject him even still by ignoring what he stood by for their sake?

He brushes such a thought away. How annoying. Thinking he could ever find something that was worth sacrificing for when he barely had enough to sacrifice for himself.

He silently stares at the glass, droning out the Priest's oblivious voice as he wonders about the nature of God and man and who is truly the misunderstood as he clutches his left covered hand that had been wrapped due to the belief that such a sight should not be seen in the church of men.

He keeps his thoughts to himself, because he is a child, a damned child and by no rights, has any opinion of value.

That is what he learns how fully developed humans are expected to think by other humans.

_**Good is worse~**_

It had taken him awhile to acknowledge it to himself, but he always knew there was something unnatural about him. Different and weird, the kind of weird that got people into trouble, especially the good people, because good people as they call themselves only say they are here for you, but they don't mean it. They smile freely when it's nice but when it's not nice they look just a little more strained as if thinking that if they can't fool themselves then maybe they can fool another. The bad people who say they are bad at least don't lie. Well, about what they think of you.

He thinks he can learn from this, even if he thinks there is still something he can't understand in a way everyone else apparently can.

Maybe that's just what makes him human.

He won't think this way for now though.

_**Reading~**_

He learns that he can be good at reading people.

In fact, he realizes has to be.

Though he has heard the adults say otherwise when overhearing them lecturing the older children being taught the foundations of what they consider good education, he considers them false.

Not that he couldn't partly see the reasons behind thinking how the ability of reading paper as invaluable (after all it did help knowing what food a can held), but to him reading people was far more desirable and invaluable to your life then any book could be.

You had to read into people's words, body motion, and the way they voiced themselves to you and not just rely on what they said.

It doesn't take long for him to realize people aren't always what they say they are. What with the way they say one thing and always do the other, especially when they see something they don't like; his hand for example.

Such as how the adults preach of cleanliness and helping and yet don't help him wash his hands when he has trouble using both due to his deformity refusing to be as flexible and quick as its normal counterpart.

But he learns from it. He learns at what times its okay to cover or uncover his arm when he wants to be alone or has to be around people for certain cares he must need to look passable for in order to require. He's not always correct, but he's not always wrong. And in the end that can make all the difference.

Now he just needed to learn how to make it so people couldn't read him at all.

It's not always so easy when his eyes sting and pool with contained water, but pride and any sense of self preservation holds back the desire to wipe them away.

Looks like he'll still need practice on both areas…

_**Give~**_

He doesn't understand the value of toys.

They don't do much. Just sit there unless you get up and make them move. Anyone who thinks things such as that as so precious is just barmy.

He's not bitter, just a realistic.

He needs things to keep him alive; he doesn't need entertainment from wooden or stuffed figures. It's insincere. It's a waste of time.

He hears crying, he tries to ignore it, and someone should get to the baby soon. He wants to think the adults down stares will stop yelling at each other long enough to hear the woes of others. He wants to think that the other kids nearby will actually grow backbone and brain and use them for once.

But that won't happen.

It never has before and he knows it won't happen anytime in this life.

Not here in this place.

He wants to nap, nap being the keyword because he has never known a good nights sleep for as long as he could remember. He thinks he dreams, but he can never remember them. For some reason he finds a disturbance in them, but he can't bring himself to feel upset or worried over it; so far he's done fine enough without knowing what it's like to dream, he doesn't know why remembering would change anything.

He sighs and for all logic of why he shouldn't he gets up and walks with a self conscious air that he tries to hide behind a tough face even though no one is around to see it.

He shyly peeks into the room with an irate frown when the bundle squirms and tosses in lonely helpless ness.

He sees the problem in the form of the rattle lying on the cold ground and picks it up, eyeing it with curious irate for causing so much noise. He shakes it once and his frown becomes softer when he finds the sound emitting from it not only brings out a quieter curious ness from the now fascinated baby. But also he finds that it's not such a irritating thing, the rattler.

Testing out his theory, he carefully rattled the toy and felt relief when the baby seemed for all intents to finally stop emitting the horrible screeching noise. He carefully pulled his left hand away just to be sure, as the baby and any other before had always shied away from the sight of it, and rattled the toy a few more times that even earned a giggle from the youngling. He almost felt the corners of his mouth twitch upward.

A yawn was threatening to escape from his throat and he gulped it back with shy disappointment. He would have to give back the toy. With hesitance, he carefully dropped the toy beside the quieting baby and slinked away with forceful pride. He didn't need a toy; therefore he didn't have to keep it.

Besides the baby probably would never have shut up; at least the baby's lungs would get a rest.

Not that he cared…

_**Go~**_

He wanted to hold the hand.

He told himself he was stupid for wanting something like that as he watched the Mother and Father walk out with the bouncing little girl who was the last of older ones to leave, minus him. He's been passed on and passed on before but something that night makes his heart clench.

He couldn't stay here, he needed to go.

It wasn't just the still unknown feeling that made him uncomfortable. It was the fact he was getting older, getting to that age where he could be sent to work. Work in factories he had heard you never could get out of no matter how old you got, where limbs could get caught and twisted off from working with machines. He couldn't do that; he wouldn't survive there, especially with his arm.

He needed to go.

He waited, for caution's sake though he knew he wouldn't be missed, and he fled when the chance came.

He never looked back once.

_**Circus~** _

He wasn't so full of himself or dumb enough to think he'd last long begging and being submitted to the cold of the winter. That would not even have been the worse to happen to a street urchin. So an orphan had to do what they could when families deemed you not cute enough to keep or any orphanage or church got sick enough of you (or vice versa) and do whatever you could (which for him was not to kick your average less then pleasant carney where the sun don't shine whenever you got a shiner from him for just existing near by) to not rot to death one way or the other because human instincts can be a biatch like that to the thing known as the grim reaper in times no matter how you think you wouldn't mind to hear him knocking.

"You work when we tell you to, you eat what and when we tell you to, you sleep when and where we tell you to."

No different from before. At least he didn't have to bother with covering his hand anymore or dealing with people on a personal level that neither one could fathom.

"Yes."

_**Clowns~**_

Laughter was a strange thing.

Laughter was like a language of its own, he had discovered. Another thing he had been trying to learn how to read; though it was a bit more difficult.

Usually it helped more when you could see the face though.

Something that was nearly impossible to do with a clown, what with all the makeup they painted on themselves in order to hide whatever expression they secretly wore underneath whatever mask they wanted to wear for others.

A much as he disliked clowns, they did get what they wanted; the supposed talented ones anyway (honestly without the audience he'd never be able to tell when a clown was being funny or just stupid; though in the end it was all the same to him). They were fakers just like the lot of them and they needed makeup to even hide themselves, but they knew better then anyone how to apply it on.

If there was one thing to admire about a clown (and there was very little to admire about a clown) they could sell themselves well without endangering themselves.

And that was the most important thing to him.

_**Humanity of a dog~**_

He cried.

His eyes had watered before many times. But he never had allowed himself to cry so openly. Because this dog deserved this much from him; for treating him like a normal boy, playing with him, giving warmth to his left hand, and just showing genuine care for nothing in return. No the dog deserved more, but he couldn't give it to him because the dog was just a carcass now.

Actually he hated that word. Deserve, because it was the one word that had dominated his life so much and he still couldn't understand it. Gaining or losing, how did he deserve this?

For the first time in his life he had been shown value of humanity.

And that finally truly made all the difference to him.

_**On the Road, what's your name? ~**_

He was going and he wasn't going to take a no.

"If you go I'll just follow you…"

"My life is a thankless one. I travel the road with no destination in mind and no plans for the future other then to just keep walking until the roads in this life can not bear me anymore." The man…Mana Walker he called himself, stared without judgment of any kind as the boy in front of him gave off the impression of someone who had seen it all and survived.

"I have no reason to stay here…."

"Why?" The question was soft and without refusal. He didn't seem opposed to company as much as he seemed just curious as to why he would attract such a boy without prompting of any kind. The boy was just cautious in some ways in regard to humans.

Here the boy shuffled his feet and finally looked his age in body language for the second time they had interacted.

_Because you were his owner, the Master of the one who showed me kindness for the first time by accepting me for me, deformities of any kind and all; friend of the same dog who allowed me to show kindness back in return without the feeling of shame or fear…. I want to go with you because of that…_

He did not say this out loud, but Mana tipped his hat up as if he were looking at a completely different person and gave a almost salute as if he sensed the boy's hidden thoughts.

"What's your name?" Mana asked as both he and child began walking away from the circus, the latter without any goodbye or notice, together.

The boy startled almost into a trip for no one had ever bothered to ask his name before. He looked up at the man in wonder a bit for this new feeling and almost gave into the temptation of either giving a snapping response or keeping his silence until he thought back to the dog and how he would always hold his name close to his heart with reverence.

"I'm Allen."

"…Just Allen?"

"As far as I know…"

Giving a chuckle, the man gave a wistful look to no one in particular before giving another reply that almost caused the boy to fall again. "If you're going to be a companion in my travels, you must also be a walker like me." Turning he looked at the boy with bruises aching his skin and how despite it all the curiosity for more still existed. "Are you a Walker, Allen?"

Pushing back a blush from the tingling sensation inside his chest from being called by his name, Allen gave a nod and began to walk faster. He still wasn't sure about this man, as he something still seemed a little off, but for the first time in his life he was greeted by something different. More then just loneliness and suffering for what was suppose to be considered normal. He pushed back any thought that was telling him he was being stupid in favor of the excitement he was nearly drowning in. He could give a name, two names now to someone and for the first time he felt a kind of pride that swelled in his chest and almost made him want to do more than frown at most to another.

Feeling tired from the over stimulation of so many new things at once, he let the man carry him on his back and allowed himself to only half focus on his surroundings.

"Shouldn't I be walking…" Allen asked with his face half pressed into the man's back.

"Oh you'll have plenty of opportunities to walk Allen. For now, as long as we are moving…always moving and never once stopping…That's all that matters…"

Silence engulfed the two as the snow floated all around in calm ness for what should and should not be right in the world. A pair of wings could be heard, but Allen didn't care as he felt himself accept his only source of warmth and continued to whisper back and listen to the man in an attempted to ignore just how tired he felt.

"It's very fortunate you are a Walker now, Allen… Otherwise I don't think this road would suit you at all…"

But Mana's good natured tone was not lost along with his smile…

_**Cloak of colors ~**_

Clothes were something Allen had never cared for. Usually he just picked whatever was available and would wear it trying to not bring any attention to himself.

"You sure you want to spend that much on me? We're not exactly walking on a golden road here, despite what you may seem to think…"

"Can't have you freezing up on me, otherwise you wouldn't be a very good walker now would you…" The ever present small smile seemed frozen on Mana but the warmth he offered always seemed willing. But there was no eager ness or any enthusiasm in Mana's actions, which despite any reluctance Allen might have felt, did make him feel more likely to accept a free offer for his being more easily then it would have if Mana had portrayed himself any different.

He was still getting used to the idea of not having to work or steal to obtain something.

Pulling the purple and red patched design cloak on himself, Allen studied himself and through mixed feelings of thinking he stood out to much too actually liking the comfort the material brought to him, he decided with a shrug and a mumble to Mana's question of how it felt that is was something he would not reject.

"You look like a prince Allen…Now if only you could act like one." Mana's expression did not change (as it rarely ever did) even when he received a quick half hearted glare.

They walked out of the store and Allen did one last quick take in front of the mirror before quickly swiping one of the large gloves lying in a barrel and slipped it on his left hand as they left.

Whether Mana noticed or not, he never said a word.

That was the last time they really ever had that much money. Neither one found that it was a loss anyway.

_**Performing with you~**_

It was a small past time, but one Mana always made time for when they could.

"You may not like clowns Allen, but you don't have to let anyone else know that."

"Is that what this stupid paint mask is for?"

"Until you can fool people without it you'll always need a mask as long as you're a performer."

"What happens when I don't need it?"

"Oh I imagine it's different for everyone, but for the sake of the show it's just best to only show what your audience expects from you if you want to receive what you expect from them in return."

"So…always wear a mask no matter what you feel, sounds…?"

"Insincere…Well, that is how life is sometimes. But remember Allen, just because your act is not sincere doesn't mean your motives can't be."

"…I don't get it, what's that mean?"

"I think if you truly want to know then you'll learn what it means someday. But for now, shall we practice on your juggling some more before your very first big show entry?"

_**Smile~**_

Allen began to smile a lot for the first time in his life that he can remember.

He doesn't realize it until his face starts to hurt a little and Mana replied with an offhand sense of humor about his face cracking from over exposure; only to reply that he should do it more to break his face in because he really looks more like a little gentleman that way, much to Allen's acknowledgment.

Mana's eccentrics were becoming more natural to the point that everyone else seemed weird compared to him instead of the other way around.

Allen remembers his name now with pride; he can hold someone's hand when he wants to (though he likes to show he's still grown up so he doesn't do it too much), he can do and ask for something and not get hit for doing it without meaning to, he has someone to keep him moving, and he can be with someone who likes to say his name.

He smiles and he likes it, especially when Mana's smile's become a little softer and special when returning them to him.

_**This hurts, the pain I love~**_

One night, after a particularly long performance at a circus in France that they had been staying at for four days now, Allen wakes up and feels an intense anxiety within his chest and stays completely still as his body shakes and he feels that he can't bear the pain he is feeling.

He hurts hurts more then he ever has in his entire life and feels like crying almost because he remembers all the times he has been hurt and compares it to the present with just how little pain he has experienced since his time with Mana. Mana had not shown him that love existed; he wasn't blind for he saw the way families acted how he used to think nothing of horrible thoughts about them in a way for how envious and pitiable he felt. But Mana came, and stayed, and he did not show, but gave him that feeling he used to curse others for having and how important words and actions are to someone.

Allen now knows just how stupid he was and he knows this intense pain he is feeling is because it teaches him just how much love he feels for this man and his bond to him. He doesn't want it ever to go away and he wants to give back just as much as Mana has given to him despite knowing that is impossible.

He sniffles and feels calm strong arms enclose around him in a firm but gentle hug. It's the first hug he has ever received and Allen twists around to hold the man as he lets go of any resistance he feels because despite what embarrassment he might feel later on right now he's just so tired of holding back and being unhappy.

Mana strokes his back in reassurance muttering words of encouragements until Allen falls asleep.

In the morning they both set off and Mana pats Allen's head as he usually had begun doing a while ago, only this time Allen did not act bothered by it.

_**Hair not there~**_

Allen's hair length was getting rather annoying as it showed by the way he would constantly try to brush away the bangs from his eyes and how during their last show on stage Mana had to rework their act on the spot to makeup for Allen's missed catch of the ball.

"Hold still… don't want me chopping off a ear now do you." The hum briefly sang in the air as it dies down when work was once again the main focus.

Allen had never let another cut his hair before. The odd sensation of cold sharp metal against his skin makes him want to shiver, but he still sits and lets Mana do whatever it is he wants with his hair, because Allen has no idea what hair styles he could want and as long as Mana doesn't cut off too much he's fine.

When Mana is done, Allen gets off his borrowed chair and looks into the clear water barrel to see if he can get a better view of his face.

"It's kind of messy for now, but it will grow out and get better, now you won't be mistaken for a girl anymore"

"…Very funny…"

Mana steadied his hat and placed the scissors back on there rightful place on top of one of the barrels and reached out to pat the boy's head.

"This is a good style for you, Allen. I like this very much more then your last one."

"You don't like long hair?"

"Oh, I wouldn't say that, I used to have longer hair in fact before I became the old man you have now. I just like this style on you better."

Giving one last try to get a better view of his new hair, Allen looked up and gave a big smile.

"I like my hair better this way as well; I'm going to keep it like this."

"Ah, I'm glad…Now let's go get ready, we only have a few hours before our performance and you still need help applying your own makeup."

_**Games~**_

Mana likes to sing.

He often sings when no one else but Allen is around and seems to even become lost within his own little world.

Mana is someone Allen thinks can do no wrong. But, in a deep part of his soul, something excites him about this. And that almost scares him. He's not sure why this should scare him, but he will not think about this because this is Mana and Allen loves him, so nothing bad can come from him.

"Let's play a game; it's a game no one else knows but the two of us. So it will always be a precious moment neither of us will share with any one else. Just the two of us…Do you like that, Allen?"

Nodding with a smile, Allen quickly follows along and learns the ways of the game that only he and Mana will ever know about; as far as Allen is concerned at the moment anyway.

"You're very good at this, which is good. I'll teach you how to hum a song later if you like."

_**Too young~**_

If Allen was perhaps a little more wary about Mana, he would have had a inkling of something wrong.

If Allen was a little more suspicious, he would have been a little more disturbed about how Mana always seemed to be running or searching for something. How he always seemed like the picture of deep and shallow which always credited to his contrary character.

"Allen, what would you do if you lost a death?"

"A…death?"

"The death of something that should be dead but became lost. Death comes in many forms, sometimes we don't even realize what death is before it's to late…and even then we might still not know."

"I guess, I would get it back, if I could."

Mana's eyes looked blank of his usual grim cheer and yet there seemed as if a light was shining in those dark pupils. As if this was something important and yet not something attainable for his reaches.

"Allen, keep walking, never stop walking. Always move forward."

Mana still looked on to the sunset without any thought to wait for any answer that Allen either could or could not provide. But he reached out to hold Allen's hand within his own and clutched it with a fierceness that almost surprised Allen. Allen thoughtfully looked up at his guardian for a long time before turning to stare at the darkening sky as the last lights began to fade away from their lives.

_Don't worry Mana, I'll always protect you and our life together…_

He was just too young right now to do such a thing and even more so unable to understand this.

_**Dead/Birth day ~**_

When Allen mindlessly looks at the dark ruby colored hand that resembles a fire stained claw covered in black liquid, one of the parting gifts from his late Father, he notices how it shines so brightly against the red evolving sun's reflection as it slowly begins it's cycle of turns into a solemn orange with newly arrived clouds dangling overhead as if in attempt to invade on his privacy.

Even artificial markings left by Mana seem just so outstanding.

Time is an illusion now, he has no idea how long he has been sitting there in the spot where he lost Mana, not once but twice. The emotion of loss hurts so much he can't even bring himself to focus on the emotion of guilt even though he knows that he should.

_Imissyousoomuch….I'm sorry I couldn't…_

He can't walk, not that he had thought he could with his arm so, capable of becoming so inhuman and big at any time.

_Child's devil, cursed for lonely ness, damned hand… _

He just lies and rewinds the second last moments of Mana over and over again because everything feels broken and he believes that life and living are both just memories that are being pushed into the back of his pleading spirit that wants to keep living despite the mind, body, and soul wanting otherwise.

_Imissyousoomuch… your smile…_

When the half world he sees becomes cloudy like an arcus cloud again, his emotions feel like he should just let it happen.

_Imissyousoomuch… your heart… _

When he sees a blotch of darkness stand over him and says things he's not sure are there, at first he thinks he is losing all sight before he's seeing Mana and forces his emotions of despair down to fight against the black blankets covering him so he can say the things he wants to say.

_Imissedyousomuch…. I'm sorry I never told you I loved you back out loud when I could of should of… Iwassooscared, that you… _

Mana sighed, either nor believing or hearing his thoughts before becoming bigger and it takes awhile for Allen to realize he is coughing and his throat feels like it is cracking like a dessert to foreign rain and his stomach hurts so much as he feels the nasty liquid that he is sure is not water pour down into it. The young boy's vision clears a little, even in his left eye which much later he will feel surprise over for when reviewing these moments he would have assumed he lost it for good. What he sees in front of him is not Mana but someone kneeling before him as he neatly put away the tall bottle in his hands into his dark cloak before staring him down with measuring and relenting eyes for something Allen does not face as he knows he does not know how or why to leave this world of his even though it is completely gone from his touch.

"What you did was not an act of murder, but one of salvation." The man began telling him in a tone Allen could not refuse.

_It hurts to think and feel to what you said…_

"He was an akuma. There is no freedom for the soul within an akuma. You're trapped within it for all of eternity and you become the Earl's toy."

_No matter what I still killed Mana…_

"Being born with an anti-akuma weapon…What a destiny you carry. You have been given the power to oppose the Earl of Millennium, maker of akumas and oppressor of this world."

_My only destiny that I ever wanted for myself was to love Mana… But even so…_

"You too are someone that has been given a destiny by God."

_I still must walk, for this is what I must do…_

"You wanna become an exorcist?" The man finishes and somehow Allen thinks he already knows his answer.

_I will do this; become whatever saint, soldier, or monster you will create me to be. Not for God's blessing, but for Mana's cursing of my existence. I will walk this path of punishment he desires for me until my bones and blood forsake me and leave my soul to the other side where I will seek whatever else Mana wants if I can so much as see him again… _

The man pats his head and Allen uses whatever strength he can to gaze into the man's eyes without flinching away this time.

"My name is Marian Cross; I am an exorcist of General rank given to me by the organization known as the Black Order. From now on I will be your one and only Master who you will serve and obey with your entire being. I will train and teach you all I can give you… in return you must give me everything back and more for this life you will be taught to walk."

_No turning back, no changing your mind, only the road in front of you… Don't stop walking…_

Allen does not look away or even care as the lone river of saltwater runs down his one eye and he realizes he can now completely see in his other eye as well now despite the hollowness that he feels is residing in his left socket from lack of tears on that side. After a full three minutes his new big person –Master – finishes taking his matching gaze in and hoists him up against him with one arm wrapped around his waist and begins walking to wherever Allen has no say in. Allen leans lifelessly like a glass doll against his Master's shoulder watching their shadows through tired eyes as they change shape while his dangling arms hang in the air because he refuses to wrap them around the man for security sake in the way he would have readily done with Mana.

_Happy birthday Allen Walker…_

_**Colors of burn~**_

A year of unrest…

A year of preparation…

A year to think about his sin…

A year to fully engrave into his mind that not only did he not deserve redemption, but he did not want it…

_I killed Mana…There is no forgiveness. The Earl may have done resurrected Mana but I was the one who wished for it. I will not make this about me by trying to atone. I will do this because Mana wanted me to, because this is all about him. Not me. Just walk to the akuma…_

The faint heavenly glow softly radiates from his hand and enlarges into the weightless claw it was exactly one year ago.

Allen just eyes it with blank acceptance and knows the same weapon that destroyed his life will continue to do so as his most valuable partner until his legs forsake him and cast him off on to the next world, wherever or whenever that will be.

Master waits in the a little ways off, breathing out a thick smoky breath and turns to walk fully expecting to be followed without even need to ask. Allen does not even give one last look to the burning cloak of colors. It was too small now, he probably should have just given it away, but he not want to part with such a precious memory from Mana like that and so burns it away where never again he can feel its warmth and smell Mana's scent.

He can not afford to physically carry things that like that right now.

_**Your big person~**_

Traveling with a Master was, obviously, different then traveling with a father.

For one, he was everything that was anti-Mana.

Two, Allen sometimes vaguely wondered if he were the true punishment instead of the curse Mana had given him that which he would willingly suffer under.

But at least he was strong. It took a while actually to admit it, but if Master was anything, he was strong. So strong Allen thought there was no way he would die for anything or anyone; knowing that made working under Cross Marian a whole lot better in the long run.

_**State of Cross~ Cross's view**_

"Master…when can I kill the akuma I see…?"It was the first full sentence Cross had ever heard the kid utter to him and it had enough effect to actually take him mentally by surprise for a full two seconds before he regained his composure.

"When, you can pay the bill." It was the first thing to come out of his mouth. It was a thing plucked from his memories and his own desire to suddenly see something else from this boy.

"I have no money." A hint of confused anger tainted the kid's otherwise passive voice. Which in some strange logical way was just amusing, "You never said anything about picking up your tabs."

"People will never say a lot of things." The red head easily replied, "Just as you will have to do a lot of things you never predicted. What matters is just how you react to them and use them to gain your advantage."

The kid just looked at him intently, as if missing some words but still understanding the basics of what was being said.

Standing up from his seat, Cross swiped the wine bottle that he did not pay for and only said one thing.

"Pay our bill by the time I come back, only do it without cleaning dishes or the likes of. This is part of your training so don't argue, just do it. Do not fail or else." With that Cross motioned for Timcampy to fly off his head and stay with the boy as he began walking out the building.

"M-Master… When will you be coming back?" The voice actually sounded a little higher, a littler resenting with a touch of absurd. Now they were making progress. Not much. But it was something.

"You don't. That's the point." With a smirk he walked out to leave the slightly overwhelmed boy to fend for himself. It would be good, because the kid needed to learn that honest hardworking wasn't always going to work quickly in all situations. That time wasn't always going to wait while the world was at stake. That sometimes you just had to stop focusing on what you were feeling and focus on what you must do or you will never go anywhere in life except down into the deep where no one can escape from.

Emotions that will kill you must be separated from feelings that can motivate you.

When he comes back, to his interest the kid has a shiner on his right eye, which Timcampy is rubbing empathetically against, (Strange, the golem's never gotten attached to a male so quickly before). The kid is trying to look tough and in charge though Cross can see a little wetness being held back in his injured eye and he is standing in front of the door as if he knew Cross would be there right when he would be with an impatient air about him (probably Timcampy's doing, the little snitch and him would be talking later).

"I did it... Master…" The kid sullenly replied as if he just committed a grave crime in the five hours since Cross had been gone. Actually, dare he think it but he actually felt a little impressed the kid had carried out his demand in success.

Then again when you failed the last several demands of Marian Cross and given more grief in more ways then an akuma ever could for it, Cross supposed you learned to motivate yourself better the next time.

Of course it looked like it was at the cost of destroying the bar as he spied some broken chairs, tables, and glasses all around along with a moaning body count spread along the floor.

Just what did a tiny kid have to do to pay a bill?

As if sensing his thoughts the boy had such a violent shake that Cross thought that would have to be enough for tonight and enough of bar bill's until he stopped twitching over such things and causing such a ruckus over of few hundred dollars – wine wasn't even that good.

Allen was a good kid though, he had discovered shortly, but not a saint. At least not one based on his own personality which was not surprising given his history. Mana's influence he knew.

He'd let it go this time because the kid was still new at this and despite making a vast improvement in terms of looking like something other than a doll, he still looked ready to fall back at any time he thought of Mana and doing something to disappoint him. Next time though, the kid would have to pay whatever damage that he was the cause of along with the bill. It was only fair.

They both walked out into the night atmosphere and Cross wondered just where the owner and workers were when their bar was in such disarray state. But as long as the kid had paid the tab before where ever they had went Cross didn't care. What mattered was that the kid stuck to his lesson in being flexible within unknown time frames no matter where and when in life.

_**State of Cross~ second view**_

"If you ever tell another woman that I'm your adoring nurturing Uncle again, I'll show Timcampy to all your little _friends_ back in the bars." Cross lazily puffed out another cloud of spicy smoke as he internally mused over Allen's natural ability to scam and lie with the best of them. Normally he would assume it was from Mana, but that level of portrayal was pretty good for such a young kid; must be a natural.

The kid looked like he might actually crack a smile, a fake smile, but still a smile none of the less (he was getting his circus look back) if he hadn't stopped in his tracks with ghostly ease to stare at what Cross correctly assumed was an akuma guised in human flesh due to his reaction.

Placing a hand on the boy, for the boy always had a unpredictable reaction akuma, ranging from uncontrollable sobbing that shocked his body to the ground to reckless desire in the heat of the moment that had to be restrained by Cross himself before he would likely just get himself killed (sometimes Cross wondered…).

"Not now."

"Master, you said-"

"Idiot, it may be night but there are still too many people out. Do you want to get them killed for your bloody insane needs Allen?"

Up until the point where his name had been said, Allen had looked like he would bite or say his usual "it's for Mana" bit that he seemed to magically think justified about any action in the world no matter what state of mind he was in. But then Allen's eyes focused back into a calmer state and he gave Cross a look that Cross had never seen anyone give him from a child's view before.

It was the first time Cross had ever said his name.

Sighing over the eccentrics of Allen, but understanding the reasons behind them, Cross gave one good shake to the small frame to get his attention back on the akuma issue again.

"You don't want humans to die like that do you, even for Mana?"

Looking down for a full minute Allen shook his head with a little hurt for agreeing with anything that suggested against Mana in anyway seemed like a grand betrayal to him. But, at least he was willing to see some logic, even if Cross suspected it would still be a long road before he fully grasped them in his heart.

"Mana wouldn't want that…and…I don't either…" Allen gave one look back at the now disappearing akuma off into the distance and gave a sniffle and shed a few tears. Though whether that was because of the akuma's soul or more the fact he had accidentally rubbed his still slightly swollen right eye he wasn't sure. It had only been over a few months since they started out and while Allen seemed to be doing better with grieving alone in a way that he hid from others. He still had his moments that Cross knew he would need to get over if he ever wanted to survive becoming an exorcist.

_Don't show it, just don't focus on it, and whatever you do never let anyone see you cry_.

He hoped Allen would understand that soon or at the least pretend to, for both their sakes.

"Let's keep walking Allen."

"I always do Master." Was the same quick, almost offended reply for thinking it was any other way Allen gave a pause without looking back before following him again, only this time more thoughtfully then dull minded like he had usually looked in the past.

As they moved on Cross never said how the chances of Allen never hurting or killing a human being in his life, even with his cursed eye, were slim to none with brokers breeding all around and even the noahs who were bound to make their faces known sooner or later in the future. He never told Allen if he ever let something happen to his eye that he would be in a world where shadows constantly played tricks on you and you couldn't even know if the woman you were about to lay down with was alive or a tool of the known devil himself until it was possibly too late. But most of all, he never told Allen how existing was the only thing he was meant for because his living was planned for another.

He may be Allen's Master, but experience would be his only successful teacher.

Whether the teachings of experience destroyed or made Allen while he was still himself would be up to Allen in his end.

Cross was good at not letting experience break him, but he had yet to beat it as a superior.

Not that he had given up on trying yet.

_**Gentleman~ normal view**_

Allen did things, unconsciously at first, to be like Mana.

He soon realized these habits belonging to his late step-Father were manifesting in his outer personality. Which was good, Allen didn't like not knowing things about himself because control over ones self was one of the most important things to have in his own opinion.

He kept his speech formal. He smiled more often in the same smile he always wore. He was as polite as he could be.

But he didn't know how to be a gentleman.

He had seen Mana of course as the embodiment of a gentleman. But he hadn't always seen Mana interact in many situations besides Circus deals and things like bargaining for food and clothes and shelter.

Women were a rather foreign concept at the moment.

He respected woman. At least he thought they were easier to respect then men in general at times. He never had remembered a woman beating him the way a man had, and the way he observed how so many mothers take care of their young made him feel a bit wistful in a nice way that almost reminded him of Mana.

Though he wasn't sure how to always treat them; was he supposed to treat them differently then men all the time? He was sure, but at the same time he didn't really know how exactly. He probably was supposed to be taught that by Master, but Master was currently busy bedding the local Priest's youngest daughter. And somehow, Allen knew that was just not good in the eyes of all that is, was, and would ever be holy right.

Instead Allen watched, Master was not teaching him these things on purpose, but he was teaching him them regardless. Master was a monster in the way he used the female body and then left them for his own fancies, but he did react around them right (as right as you could view him). Otherwise why would so many women of all kinds willingly fall for him only knowing he kept and made no promises of any kind to them?

Master kept his distance from them until they offered an opening, Master gave attention to them and said different words to them depending on the situation and never was the one to lead them to bed. Master was always the one to start it, but it was always the woman who led the two on to whether or not it would go to something more.

Leaving out the intercourse part, Allen adapted his own style of manipulation and courtesy for woman and also people in general. Because manipulation wasn't a horrible thing, it was a common thing. And just because you do that doesn't mean you are insincere always, something Allen thinks he is beginning to understand exactly what Mana had meant all that time ago.

Hearing loud hurried footstep that were un mistakenly made by a pair of heavy boots, Allen quickly shot up and still holding Timcapmy in his grasp, he fell into step right along his Master so both could go to the train station, charm a pair of tickets into their grasp, and leave before the cops got involved again.

Even if they were female cops, Allen didn't think they should dodge the bullet that much in such a short amount of time.

_**Choose a hand~**_

When Master had started getting him to pay more of his debts, Allen actually received his first present that actually was worth something from his cheap sense less Master.

A deck of cards, which Allen has never been sure why exactly his Master choose this to give him, but at the same time knowing his Master the way he did it seemed really appropriate.

Well, actually the man never really gave it to him so much as he threw them away and Allen just happened to be near by when it happened with enough curiosity to keep them.

And they actually didn't turn out to be useless, besides saving his life on more then one occasion (and letting him have the excuse to throw down the gentleman façade without regret), having the skill to move around the deck and know its possibilities taught him things.

A set of cards taught him that he could choose whatever hand he wanted. If he didn't want a hand, he would simply do whatever means he saw fit and take another hand. It was simple really, if he didn't like the current set of cards he possessed then he'd simply get a new one.

Such a piece of knowledge has ended up saving his life from things more deadly then any angry debt collector could be.

_**See~**_

When Allen had "saved" his first akumas since being under his Master's guardianship, it was during a chance encounter where the red-haired man had smartly landed a kick to his pupil in the back without so much as a warning and Allen had been so surprised he nearly fell into the open jaws that awaited before instinctively pushing his foot to knock himself the other way – being a circus performer had it's advantages- and activate his Innocence to attack his foe.

He had briefly heard the cry of "sorry" and "I love-"before it dissolved and almost had spat out his early lunch in memory of his and Mana's second last moments together.

Time passed and the more he killed the more he began to pay attention. It wasn't that they suddenly became less bearably to look at. But, the things that made them beauty were starting to seem so much more obvious at times.

They loved, they grieved, and most of all, they were happy when they could be freed from the chains that unfairly bound them to this world.

Suddenly, it wasn't just about his punishment and suffering. It was about them and their suffering and only punishment of being loved so much by someone else.

Allen had a new cause, to break the chains of oppression that warped love into something cruel and full of malice.

How dare the Earl do this; take away freedom and the ability to even see the ones the pitiful souls wanted so much to see in the afterlife if not in this one.

Such sad creatures…

Allen again remembers how Jesus Christ took away the chains of oppression from his children and gave the option of salvation. He thinks he understands little more and just how wrong human beings are at times.

He looks at his left hand before covering it again with his new glove he won in a poker game.

He thinks of Mana, and of the thought of him being like these creatures, wandering around for all of eternity on this level of existence and how their loved ones are waiting for them in the next life. How if things had been different, if he had died that night, he would be separated from Mana forever.

Just like the loved ones of the akuma are now.

So he knows, because he wants to see Mana again and how he sees the akuma, the true person underneath begging for forgiveness and apologizing for not being strong enough to live for another's sake. Allen will no longer see this as a punishment, because he can't bear to think of this as a punishment when so many others are suffering more then he is.

He still wants to be an exorcist, just for different reasons.

_I will give them the chance to spend eternity with their loved ones._

All is not lost.

_**Together~**_

Master is someone Allen does not trust on a lot of things.

But he is someone he trusts to always be around. To teach him things in ways he's disgusted with and to always be the pillar that Allen himself can barely imagine himself as.

He doesn't need Cross as a friend, a Father, or a comrade to always be by his side.

He just needs Cross. His Master, his rock that he can touch in ways he can not Mana.

Mana is dead, and a memory can only do so much in times of loss.

But Cross is alive and ready insult and tell him what he needs to do to keep his promise to Mana.

For that, Master is the only person living that Allen can ever fully trust to show his full fractured and broken self to without any shame or fear of any kind. He is the only person Allen can actually believe his words of reassurance because he is so strong he doesn't need anything or anyone.

Cross Marian doesn't need him.

That's why Cross Marian can never die as far as Allen is concerned.

_**Exorcist and friends and home~**_

He's an exorcist now, not only that he has friends. And even a home, he guessed.

It feels, accomplishing.

He can walk a bit more now and actually get somewhere instead of just learning to take baby steps like it has felt like he has been doing for the longest time now.

He can have a place to return to when he needs rest and food.

He's still not sure how to figure out the whole having real friends part. But it's something he finds he doesn't dislike.

Allen thinks he could really love it actually; as long as they never know too much about him.

_**Destroyer versus~**_

Allen doesn't think he has a death wish, and he doesn't think of things like time. But he does think of the present and how as much he is willing to sacrifice himself and even die for his cause. He doesn't want to die yet, not only because it scares him and he thinks if he does die it will be before accomplishing a thing a he wanted or needed to do. But because on a deeper level he has remembered again the instinct to survive no matter what and such a powerful force existing inside of him and one he almost betrayed terrifies him in ways nothing has or ever would.

So Allen doesn't think about the future, because the future is undecided until you make a decision and stick by it. He will walk with his convictions and hide what he fears most in the world so deeply that no one on good enough days will ever see the real him. He is by all nature a shattered mirror that one can only see the pieces of what he chooses to have the world reflect upon.

"It will be alright." He smiles and even if he can't believe it then maybe others far more valuable then him will and live on to walk again found a place of rest.

His place of rest does not exist in this world, which is why he will walk until he finds it again in the next one.

_**Oaths~**_

"If you do that, not even God will blame you…"

_Stop saying that, stop it. I hate that, telling me what to do, how to be, speaking as if you are God yourself._

_Saying that as if you know me..._

_I have my own paths and it's not one anyone can decide for me. Not now. _

"I don't care about that."

_Don't keep me stagnant; don't let me die again in a much more painful way then before…_

_**Move on to one~**_

Allen understands something.

He loves his friends. They are such a new concept for him as he never once had friends before, and yet because of his love for them he has been so blinded by them that he lost sight of the akuma in the process.

In remembering the akuma he almost in return lost sight of his friends again.

He has been unable to reconcile the two and can only act and react to them in extremes.

But not anymore, because he loves the akuma, it's not just about them being pitiful beings that cause suffering to the humans and themselves, it's about reaching out to thye souls who have no one but him to count on to love them. Not just save them but actually love them for them and not for what they've done (because really they have done nothing but wrong) but for despite what they've done.

He won't lose sight of the friends who will miss him if he's gone, and he won't lose sight of the akuma who say thank you to him because he's really all they have to look for until they see their loved ones again in the next life.

"I'm going now, thank you…"

_Thank you, Allen Walker…_

Humans and akuma, they define his core being and he will never abandon them because he needs them to fully exist just like they do him in return.

The pleasure he feels pulsing through his veins will not stop stirring for anything.

_**Identity~**_

It's an ironic thing.

Allen was always protected himself from others with a subtle fury and passion that more then rivaled his protectiveness for the akuma and humanity. But now he knows the thing that needs protecting the most is in fact his own self.

Otherwise, hope will seem even more absent and make people even more energetic in their attempts to overlook it.

He's going to think he feels that it's okay, that protecting himself in such a way is not possible because he feels he's not worth that much as an individual and that he can't conquer things for himself solely in such a way. Because his bones that suddenly feels so foreign tell him it's okay to allow himself this brief shock of warmth from his master and he just holds on until he thinks his face will probably turn as red as the cloaked figures surrounding him like a cage.

But then when he hears the words of his Master he feels a fury at himself and take's it out on the red lion mane man and feels a rebellion within him that only before could have been brought out by the Earl himself. He does not want to walk in another's shoes like this no matter how positive the saying may sound. This identity is not something he can dwell on, love was the only thing that mattered to him before and he could have used that love as an excuse to look away from himself.

But now what that fourteenth wants to do is something he can not allow, and to stop him he must face the one being that has always been denied before.

He must look at the boy who is a man now and say "I'm here, I'm you, it will be okay because that will never change" and actually believe those words from the top and below of his very spirit.

He does not know how or when or perhaps even fully know the why, but he does know he is expected to not let himself down.

If not that then…he will as always do it for the ones who define him.

Whether he realizes on the surface how he must not think that in such a way to save himself will be something he will face on the consequences of desire.

_**Daybreak~**_

He heard the break of a new day before even his eyes saw the light and felt within his heart that there was an unnatural event that caused the now dreaded feeling of what should never exist in his lifetime.

Master's blood pooled and coated the walls so much that Allen had barely recognized how much and where during his first viewing of the scene due to how numb and just how much he _needed _to get away from it, Komui, and everyone before he lost his wall of fortitude.

But Master will be tucked away into the back of his mind for now.

He can't focus on what can't be done but instead must focus on what should be done by his own power.

This time is his and he will not waste it on what will break him. He still can't be sure, but he can keep walking, and maybe…just maybe he can start looking to the future.

_Hey, Allen…I've never asked you before, but do you like Tim?_

"Yes, Master… I like Tim, I've always have and I always will." He says it to no one in particular as the cold visible air exhales though his lips, and yet he belives in his own strange faith that his Master can hear him where ever he is now.

Allen won't claim to understand or even like what this is all about. But he won't claim that there can't be more then one road that he could like in front of him. Allen will hopefully have a much rockier road before him. Because the harder it is the longer it will take to walk it and press it down until it becomes his own road and he can look back and see the road made by his own power with no one else to decide where or how it will look for him.

Baby steps again, he's going to learn how to walk again; this time without holding someone's hand.

But, he will run one day and will know in his heart that despite how lost he became he never lost sight again and would conquer all.

The war wouldn't be over until he died after all.

* * *

**Omake~**

_**Wine~**_

The boy always looks tired, not sleepy, just tired. The time so far has been a short period of physical rest and spiritual unrest for the boy; Cross knows it even without being told. He can see it in his eyes and the way he holds his two hands together just so tightly as they travel as if he were imagining that were Mana's hand instead of his own.

When Cross had found the kid he was like a doll. Once he recovered enough to walk enough to follow him to the house he would stay for a period of time until he recovered he just followed him like a deaf little lamb after its shepherd with a surreal glass quality painting his eyes and muttering, "Walker walking, walking walker…." Over and over out loud in a bone chilling whisper short of breath it seemed on occasion like a chant from his spirit to raise his mind and body up from the invisible to the naked eye grave that always loomed overhead to topple on him.

The kid was stubborn, not determined, just stubborn to walk and use that arm, eye, and two legs of his to keep walking and killing akuma just like how Mana (he thinks) wanted him to.

If Cross was or could be any other person he would have wished Mana had done something else, told something else to the kid so he wouldn't be so screwed up that he'd focus and rely more on Mana's, Don't stop walking, then he did on the man's last, I love you, for words of existing instead of living.

But Cross wasn't any other person and as long as Allen was molded into whatever creature he wanted him to become he often told himself he didn't care at all why or what the boy relied on to keep fighting. Just as long he did. After all, they all had their own reasons. So what and why wasn't his business as long as the carrying it out existed and stayed consistent.

He stopped to tell the kid it was time to eat as they settled in the bar. The kid didn't say or do anything different from before, just stared wide eyed at nothing in particular.

"…Your not getting anything boy if you don't open your mouth and order it yourself."

"…Water…" The soft whisper replied automatically after a pause out of habit from having a hoarse throat from screaming so late in the nights. His mind was here and there it seemed. Cross wasn't worried or concerned though, he knew this boy, knew what he was even better then the boy himself knew.

He would walk and he would destroy.

It was in his blood, mind, and God given destiny more then the kid knew.

He gently drank out of his newly filled wine glass and for a moment locked gazes with that sky grey one so intently that he felt as though he was looking into the eyes of another.

_I'll come back to you…just watch…and take care of him…_

Piano keys, dancing clowns, and a song that could have been made for two just as easily as one…

That song…that song was made for….

When he hears the waiter offer a refill he just waves his hand and has the young man leave the entire bottle for him on the table. Those eyes, they looked nothing like _his_ eyes so big and round with a touch of yearning. He loses whatever temptation he had to offer the liquor to the kid in rememberance of knowing _he _had loved liquor even more then Cross ever had.

He never thought about the past like this before. Maybe it was the kid's fault, maybe his presence had an effect on liquor to make it do things in ways that normally wouldn't have happened to Cross; another reason why he should probably do what he could to keep the kid from growing into drinker. Not that it would matter later on…

Che, he hated this pupil thing more then he already did.

Next thing you know he'll start taking obnoxious pictures and going on picnics with the kid like Tiedoll and his little brats.

Sighing, he decided right then and there he would never let Allen drink alcohol of any kind…

* * *

**_Notes_***

Cross is alive I tell ya! Alive!

You know, I just realized why I am usually so reluctant to focus on Allen through his own eyes too much. His head is a rather disturbing and funny place there (not that I blame him, though to be fair Cross is probably about a hundred times more).

*Gushes* I love both Allen and Cross (Allen more so) and their relationship to each other is my most favorite one in the entire manga. There is just so much in there and it can be so complicating and complex while also fairly simple. It's very fascinating to watch. I could probably write non-stop about them.

Originally this was suppose to include a few more scenes, like Cross being more of the bastard that he is with training (*coughs* torture) and Allen being more of a brat. But I decided to cut those scenes, reasons being I'm not so sure why; maybe due to laziness.

This actually was okay, I liked it better then I thought I would and it was fun writing even though I don't think I even scratched the surface of Allen's character.

Cross actually turned out a little nicer then intended though. I'll have to fix that maybe in another fic.

**_Dead/Birth day ~, Oaths~, and Daybreak~: Each one of these had quotes from the manga._**


End file.
